When Your Adult Child’s Spouse Misunderstands You: Stop Defending Yourself and Stay Calm (Part 3)

Tina Gosney  00:00

I want you to picture this. You’re staring at a text message that doesn’t even feel real. You just got a message from your adult child, your son, that says, Hey, Jordan. Felt really disrespected when you said, we’ll see what happens. It sounded like you were dismissing her, and you can feel it. Then you start feeling it welling up in your chest, you know that hot surge, and your heart starts to beat really hard, because you knew what you meant. You knew your heart and your good intentions. You knew that you were not trying to dismiss anyone. And now you want to type a big, long text message, and you start doing it, and then you delete it, and then you start typing again, and you want to send five paragraphs with all these explanations and bullet points to back up your point.

Tina Gosney  00:48

You really want to set the record straight. You want to say, well, that’s not really what happened, or that’s not what I meant, or you guys are just taking this the wrong way. Underneath all of that, there’s something that’s a lot more tender is that you just want to be understood. You just want your child to see you for the good person that you are. You want them to believe you, to choose you, to not rewrite you as a villain in their spouse’s story. So of course you are going to feel defensive. And if you’re honest with yourself, sometimes that defensiveness comes out as over explaining, trying to prove your point, correcting them, justifying and sometimes probably snapping.

Tina Gosney  01:36

That’s what we’re going to talk about today, because defensiveness can feel really strong in the moment, but when you’re in an anxious family system, and almost everyone is in an anxious family system, it usually keeps the cycle going. Today, I want to help you step out of that cycle without becoming passive, without losing your relationship with your adult child without just losing yourself.

Tina Gosney  02:41

This is episode three in a five part series for parents who are navigating a difficult or anxious spouse with their child’s adult their adult child’s marriage. So today we’re in part three of that journey, the parent journey, which is defensiveness. In this episode, we’re going to explore a few things. The first one is why defensiveness is such a natural response when you feel misread or blamed. Second, anxious systems create story lines, and then you get cast as the problem, what do you do in this situation? Third, the trap of defend and explain, and why it rarely works. And then the last thing I’m going to do is give you a practical shift that you can use right away. And this includes a really simple script that helps you respond with that calm authority, instead of, you know, defending yourself like you’re in a courtroom.

Tina Gosney  03:34

So if you have been thinking, I am so tired of being painted as the bad guy, then I want you to stay with me. So let’s start here. Of course, you feel defensive when you’re being misunderstood. That makes complete sense. But what’s happening here is not just about the words that were said, it’s about how people feel in the moment. So when someone is already anxious or they’re already sensitive, their brain is trying to answer one question, and that question is, am I okay right now?

Tina Gosney  04:08

And when that answer that they get feels shaky, their brain starts to look for something to hold on to, something to blame it, someone to blame it on, or something to hold onto that just feels like it’s more secure. So we see them interpreting something simple, like you saying, we’ll see what happens. That can get interpreted as well. She doesn’t approve of me, or she’s judging me, not because that’s what you meant. It’s because that’s what their nervous system is interpreting your words as an attempt to protect them. And this is the part that gets kind of confusing, is that once that meaning is assigned in their mind, it feels completely true to them. So now your adult child comes to you with that interpretation, and it feels like you’re being

Tina Gosney  04:58

told to. You did something wrong, so your instinct is to fix it by explaining to say, well, that’s not what I meant. Or let me tell you what actually happened, or let me clarify. But what I want you to see is when you jump in and you start to explain, you’re stepping into their version of the situation, as if that’s the place that you’re supposed to start. It’s like you walked into a courtroom where you’re already on trial and you’ve already been presumed guilty and you’re trying to prove your innocence. The problem is anxious situations don’t calm down with more explanation. They calm down when someone brings a steady presence, because underneath all of this, the system is not asking, Well, what exactly happened and where can we put the blame? The system is asking, Is this relationship safe? So we’re not going to shift to, how do I get them to understand me better? We’re going to shift instead to, how do I stay grounded and clear, even if they don’t understand me right now, because that’s what actually changes the pattern. So let’s look at a situation, a real life situation, where we can apply this. I’m going to give you an example from a client, but this is actually not really a client. This is a compilation of many different clients and conversations and personal experiences, and so I never give you someone’s actual experience, so just keep that in mind. So we’re going to call this woman Angela. This is the mother and her son’s wife, seemed to take everything as a criticism, and it’s she told me. Angela told me, it’s like she has a filter that turns me into a problem. No matter what I say, I can never win. It’s always the wrong thing. I just want to know if any of you can relate to this. Do you ever feel like that with your child’s spouse? One night at dinner, Angela asked the daughter in law a simple question. She said, Hey, do you want to sit here or do you don’t want to sit there? And then, after the evening was over, and the couple went home, her son sent her a text, and it said she felt like you were trying to control where she sat. What was Angela’s first reaction? Frustration, yes, defensiveness, yes, the urge to explain everything. Yes, all of those. She said to me, I was just trying to be thoughtful. And like many parents, she wrote a very long message explaining her intention, she clarified her tone, she gave context, she asked him to explain it to his wife. And then what was the result? Well, the daughter in law felt more criticized. The son felt more stuck in the middle, Angela felt more misunderstood. So we had to take a take a step back, and we had to slow everything down and look at what was underneath the surface. And this part really matters, because Angela began to take responsibility for what was her part, but not for what was not her part, she doesn’t need to take responsibility for something she didn’t do, but she really should be more self aware of what she did do. So she discovered, she said, I can see that when I’m hosting something, I get a little anxious, and when I try to make things go smoothly, sometimes that can come across as directing. That’s a lot of self awareness, and it’s ownership, and when she did that, she began to shift internally, because she knew her intention. She didn’t need to prove anymore that she was right. She had to take in an honest look at herself, and that allowed her to let go of was what was not hers to carry, because we tend to carry more than our that is our responsibility. She was not responsible for how every comment was interpreted. She was not responsible for managing her daughter in law’s feelings. She was not responsible for fixing the triangle that her son and his wife were pulling her into and from that grounded place, she began to respond differently. So the next time she was misunderstood, because, you know, it happened again. So the next time it happened, she said, thanks for letting me know. I can see how I can come across that way. Sometimes, especially when I’m trying to make things go smoothly. I really care about being respectful to you and your wife, and also I’m going to try to do better, and I’m also going to trust that the two of you can work through we yourselves. What comes up between the two of you? So do you hear the difference? She took responsibility for her part. She showed self awareness, she stayed kind. She did not take on what was not hers. She didn’t defend or collapse into shame. She just stayed steady. And over time, those feedback texts that she was getting from her son started to decrease because she was no longer feeding

Tina Gosney  09:57

a reactive system it wasn’t getting fed from her. Anymore. Here’s a mindset shift that you can try. I want you to move from I have to explain myself to I feel solid in where I’m standing. Because when you’re clear with yourself, you don’t have to prove it to someone else. You need to hold your position with clarity and kindness while taking responsibility. So I’m going to give you a tool that you can use next time you get a text like this, or, you know, a passive aggressive comment, or you just feel misunderstood, it’s called acknowledge, anchor and exit. So first we’re going to acknowledge. Acknowledge says, I hear you, I understand the impact this had on you. This is does not mean you agree with their story. It simply shows that you heard the message. It sounds like Thanks for telling me. Oh, I hear that landed badly, or I can see how you felt uncomfortable. Step two, anchor, this is where you take responsibility for what is yours to own. I care about our relationship. I’m committed to being respectful. I’m going to keep showing up with warmth and steadiness, and I love you. Number three exit, this is where you step out of the triangle, out of the old patterns that keep you stuck. It looks like I’m not going to analyze every single word in every moment, or I trust that you can work this out together. There are, here are a few ready to use scripts that you can borrow from me if you want. The first one is you can use this. When your adult child says You disrespected my spouse, you can say, thank you so much for telling me this. I can see that, you know what I said didn’t land. Well, I really care about being respectful, and I’m going to keep that in mind. I’m going to keep working on it. I also trust that you both can work through anything that comes up between the two of you. Second thing you can use second script is when you’re accused of something that you did not mean to do, you can say, I hear this felt really uncomfortable, and I am so sorry. That was not my intention, but I understand how it could have been taken that way. I really care about our connection, and I’m going to keep showing up with that in mind. I’m going to keep working on this third script. When your child wants you to apologize, to keep the peace of their marriage, you can say, I am so open to taking responsibility for anything that I’ve done that’s hurtful. If there’s something specific that you can give me, that I can hold on to and I can understand better, I would love to hear that I’m willing to look at that, and also I want to be honest about what feels true to me while I’m staying kind and respectful. So these scripts, they do three important things. They keep their relationship open. They show the willingness, on your own part, to be very self aware, which is super important, and it does not abandon yourself to keep the peace. You do not abandon yourself, which is also super important. So I want to leave you with some encouragement and some hope, and that is this, everyone brings something into every moment. You bring your history, your sensitivity, your expectations, your emotions, your nervous system, especially your nervous system, your power is not in trying to control that for somebody else, because you literally can’t your power lies in seeing your history, your sensitivity, your expectations, your emotions and how your nervous system is reacting. That is seeing yourself clearly, that is self awareness, and that is powerful, and then you take responsibility for it and you let the rest go. This is what creates steadiness. If you’re in the defensiveness stage right now, I want you to really hear this. You’re allowed to be misunderstood and still stay connected. You’re allowed to be misinterpreted, and that does not change your worth. You’re allowed to hold boundaries and still be loving. And here’s what’s really helpful, when you stop playing the defense and stop replaying conversations over and over in your head, you’re going to free up so much emotional energy. You’re going to stop living in fear of that next interaction, so you can put that energy towards becoming that calm presence that your adult child can lean on, even if they don’t acknowledge it yet and they don’t say it out loud. They need that from you, because they need especially when they are married to someone who’s really anxious, really difficult. They don’t want to have a parent that they’re going to manage. One more person that they have to manage. What they need is someone, a parent who can stay steady.

Tina Gosney  14:52

This is how you influence your family system. It’s not by over, explaining and winning the argument. It’s by changing the emotional posture that you bring to the system.

Tina Gosney  15:04

This was the third in a five part series of how to handle a difficult daughter in law or son in law. So in the next episode, we’re going to move into stage four, part four, which is feeling powerless. You know, it’s that moment when you realize you can’t fix them. You can’t fix their marriage, you can’t fix their spouse’s anxiety. You can’t force anyone to be close to you, and you can’t even force your children your to be close to each other. I’m going to show you what to do with that feeling of powerlessness so you can learn from it and turn it into wisdom instead of falling into that pit of despair. Thank you for listening today. Remember you do not have to do this perfectly. Just keep showing up with grounded presence, because when one person in a family becomes more grounded, the whole relationship system begins to shift, and it can start to heal. If this episode has been resonating with you, if this series has resonated with you, send it to someone else who needs to hear this. Send it to another parent who needs this in their life right now. This is coaching your family relationships. I’m Tina Gosney, and I will see you in the next episode.